Fostering Gratitude Through Giving: An Experiment in Empathy
A common feature in the tech industry are the perks. Free catered meals. Free gyms. Free laundry. Unlimited Free Snacks. Unlimited vacation days. Subsidized transportation.
And seemingly every company is trying to “out perk” everyone else.
The scope of it all can be overwhelming.
But what is even more overwhelming is how people take the perks for granted, or worse, believe they are owed them and more.
One moment sticks with me: I am standing in a fully stocked office kitchen at breakfast time. There is more than a dozen varieties of cereal, breads, pastries, juices and more. A member of the culinary team is actively stocking one of several industrial refrigerators with even more fresh food and drinks. Mere floors below in the cafeteria is several options for a hot breakfast as well as a yogurt bar and coffee bar with multiple baristas.
A team leader then walks into the kitchen and opens one of the recently refreshed refrigerators. After rummaging past numerous options they let out a loud moan.
“Jeez. They used to deliver the hardboiled eggs pre-peeled!” he said loudly, obviously directing this at the member of the culinary team mere feet away.
I assumed this person was joking about such a trivial problem. “Yeah…” I chuckled “We really have it rough.”
But he wasn’t joking. He was genuinely upset. “Do you know how much time I end up wasting peeling eggs everyday!?” he exclaimed and stomped away.
This experience left me with a few questions:
1 — How many eggs a day was this person consuming that it was affecting his schedule? And should I call a doctor?
2 — More seriously, how could a manager act like such a spoiled ungrateful child?
Gratitude is Learned
We all have moments when we are not putting our best selves on display. But while the hardboiled egg meltdown in particular has stuck with me over the years, it was hardly unique. I feel like a lack of gratitude and empathy is commonplace — though I am unsure if this is new or I have just become more aware of it since becoming a parent.
I look at my son and want to give him the very best of everything. I want him to have opportunities I never had. I also want him to strive for his best and beyond. Simultaneously, I want him to be grounded and grateful. (not “grateful” in a “I need to grovel and bow” kind of way, but in a “I understand my privilege” kind of way).
Angela Santomero, the creator of such television programs as Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood and Super Why! writes about helping her children to better understand gratitude in her book Pre-School Clues. One of her processes for fostering gratitude revolves around having her children reflect on the gift-giving process:
- First the gift-giver had to think of the recipient and what they like.
- The giver then had to buy or make the gift. This likely involved going to a store or ordering something.
- In order to do this the person spent money, which they likely worked to earn.
- The giver then often wraps the gift.
- The giver then delivers the gift — delivered or in-person.
Ms. Santomero’s goal is to demonstrate that when a gift is given, it is a process that requires time and energy. She then encourages her children to think through this process and empathize with the care and effort shown.
In November, with the holidays approaching, I decided to initiate an experiment in gratitude and empathy with my five year old son. After talking with him about the approaching gift-giving season we decided to make holiday gifts for members of our family.
His goal: have gifts for family members.
My goal: Help my 5 year old son better appreciate receiving (gratitude) through the act of giving (with a focus on empathy). (Note: I also got to teach my son to safely use power tools while reinforcing math and design skills which is a great bonus!).
I set a few ground rules for our project:
- He had to do the work. Yes I helped (a lot), but I wanted him involved in every step of the process. I didn’t want to do 90% of the work while he merely claimed credit.
- The process had to reinforce empathetic thought. We were specifically targeting empathy of the gift giving process with a hope of abstracting it to everyday activities.
Our Process
Step 1 — What To Make: He decided early on he wanted to build something with my power tools (I was so proud!). He originally wanted to build everyone chairs “to read books in”. I suggested something simpler and we landed on birdhouses — both because of his interest in animals and because the goal felt attainable.
Step 2 — Planning: We spent time online looking at birdhouse designs. Which should we choose? We ended up creating a hybrid design on paper which we then translated into a wood prototype. We took lessons from the prototype and refined our design and construction process.
Step 3 — Making Our List: When we sat down to create gift-giving list, my son had more than 30 people in mind. We couldn’t possibly make that many birdhouses in a few short weeks. We had to narrow the list. First we decided to concentrate on close family members. We then decided that each family unit would receive one birdhouse to share. Even with this reduced list, we were still signing ourselves up for nine birdhouses!
Step 4 — Construction Though we started in November, our window for building was limited. I work full time and my son is in Kindergarten. Because of this we did the majority of our building in the evenings after dinner and before bedtime. Instead of playing a game or watching How to Train Your Dragon for the umpteenth time, we spent 20 to 40 minutes building each night.
As was planned, he helped in every stage of the process: measuring, cutting, sanding, staining, glueing, hammering and drilling. He took particular joy in using my handheld vacuum to cleanup.
Step 5 — Reflection While making our birdhouses we talked about how this compared to family and friends that bought gifts or made treats. What was their effort like? How did they decide what to make? What other activity were they skipping to go to the store or wrap presents or cook?
Step 6 — Delivery I wanted my son to deliver his gift to the recipients. I wanted him to see the genuine joy we can spark in others through giving. I wanted him to answer questions about how we built the birdhouses and share all he had done.
What We Made
We ended up making 10 birdhouses (11 if you count the prototype). Nine of those birdhouses were a standard template that we created.
We also made an additional unique birdhouse for my wife. My son suggested we make a birdhouse that looks like our new house. This birdhouse is actually two separate bird “apartments” fused to look like our split-level.
Results
My son and I were very pleased with how our birdhouses turned out. He loved describing the design and creation process to almost anyone who would listen.
But the real question: Did my lesson in empathy and gratitude work? First off, it’s probably too soon to tell. Additionally, these sorts of lessons aren’t just one-off efforts. These lessons need to be reinforced throughout our lives. We all need to be reminded to be grateful and gracious from time to time.
But my son and I did have one particular interaction on Christmas day that stuck with me. As we stood looking at a table piled high with cookies and treats from different members of the family we had the following exchange:
Me: Wow look at all these treats!
Son: I know! They look really yummy! Who made them?
Me: Well everyone brought some to share.
Son: Oh, that must have been a lot of work!
Me: I’m sure it was.
Son: We should say thank you.
I’ll call this little experiment a success.
